I wanted to write the last few months but didn't know what to say. Recent life events have left me speechless in regards to writing something meaningful. Many things that once seemed to matter didn't any more, and those few things left that did still matter were too close to my heart to share. While grief, depression, and pain encompassed everything I felt the last few months, I felt like other people had already expressed my sentiments better than I ever could.
However, after interactions with some varying people the last few weeks, including an hour long chat with one of my students today, I've discovered an issue I have strong opinions.
Behavior.
I can't count how many times I've heard people say something like "That's who I am/that's how I was born/my issue is genetic, so I can't change." Or "I'm/I have _______ and therefore can't do __________."
I thought the whole point of the gospel was to change--to become like Christ. Yes, we all have challenges--even some that we are born with. And because we all experience these challenges, we have a Savior who will help us: "He shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind....and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels will be filled with mercy" (Alma 7:11-12).
However, we can't rely solely on the Savior to make up for our challenges, weaknesses, infirmities: "For we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do" (2 Nephi 25:23, emphasis added).
The Lord told Moroni, "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before, and have faith in me, then I will make weak things become strong until them" (Ether 12:27).
We are given life's challenges, including physical/emotional/mental disabilities, to learn and grow from them, and ultimately it's up to us to decide what to do with them.
In talking with my student today, he told me of a study he read that said those who have anxiety/depression and achieve success do so because they don't view their anxiety/depression as a limitation.
It's been 10 years since I was diagnosed and prescribed medication for anxiety and depression. I have definitely had those days where I've accomplished literally nothing because I've been so overwhelmed or so sad. I've had days where I've spent all day in bed with no motivation and even taken a couple sick days for my mental health. In spite of these (sometimes poor) decisions, I firmly believe what I told someone a few months ago: I don't allow my anxiety or any of my other health issues to act as an excuse to get out of things. When it all comes down to it, I still have the ability to choose what I do--I will not let my health problems define who I am or what I can do. With that, I need to take responsibility when I do allow my struggles to get the best of me. My anxiety doesn't make me do (or not do) anything. I choose to do (or not do) things, and my anxiety plays a role, but I'm working hard to not let my anxiety dictate my choices and acknowledge when I do.
I love what Elder Renlund said last General Conference about behavior. While he was talking specifically about sinning and the repentance process, I think it can also apply to any type of decisions we make. "Minimizing our mistakes," and I would assert behavior, "even if no immediate consequences are apparent, removes the motivation to change. This thinking prevents us from seeing that our mistakes [and behavior] have eternal consequences."
He also talked about blaming others, which again, I think can be applied to our personal challenges. Blaming our challenges, "even if justified, allows us to excuse our behavior. By so doing, we shift responsibility for our actions to others. When the responsibility is shifted, we diminish both the need and our ability to act. We turn ourselves into hapless victims rather than agents capable of independent action."
I grew up with the mentality that I could become whoever I wanted to be. I'm introverted, and I had (and sometimes still do have) a hard time talking to people. I hate small talk. But I was always told growing up "Kandace, you need to say hi to people. You need to reach out. You need to make an effort to get out of your comfort zone. You can't expect other people to come to you and be your friend. You need to be a friend to them."
I didn't win the Interview portion of Jr. Miss because I have a natural talent of communicating in front of people. I worked for 2 months with my dad in trying to master the skill. There were tears. There were frustrations. There were moments when my dad thought "Is she ever going to get it?" I could have let my natural shy inclinations get the better of me. But I didn't. I had a desire to change my behavior so I could become better.
In his October 2013 General Conference address, President Nelson said, "We can change our behavior. Our very desires can change. How? There is only one way. True change--permanent change--can come only through the healing, cleansing, and enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ....He allows you access to His power as you keep His commandments, eagerly, earnestly, and exactly. It is that simple and certain. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of change!"
If we don't know how to change, if we don't know how to become better communicators, how to step outside of our shell to talk to someone, how to stop yelling at our spouse or children, how to stop judging, belittling, or critiquing others, we need to stop excusing those behaviors and just try. Change doesn't happen overnight, but when we humble ourselves, make conscious efforts to improve ourselves, and rely on the Savior's Atonement, we can become the people we are destined to be.
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