It's been over 5 months since I first found out about the tumor in my pituitary gland. Recently, many people have asked how I've been doing, so I thought I'd give a brief update and some lessons I've learned from this experience.
Compared to where I was 5 months ago, I am doing A LOT better. I still have challenging days, but I've started exercising which has helped a lot with energy levels and a happier disposition. The medication I'm on still makes me incredibly tired, but I've gotten used to it and it feels like the new normal.
So that's my health in a nutshell. Now for the lessons.
1. No matter what I'm experiencing, someone else always has it worse. I don't feel like I have much right to complain. Yes, life is hard, and no, I don't have much energy on a day-to-day basis, but my challenges are small compared to others, and it's because of that knowledge that I'm able to keep a pretty upbeat and positive attitude about the situation. I have a close family member with cancer and other significant health issues, so how can I complain when I'm not even experiencing a tenth of what she is? Therefore, I try to keep the struggles I face to myself cause they're really not that bad in comparison.
2. Negativity and complaining make it worse. I've never been much of a complainer (at least, I don't think I am) and I haven't dwelt on my health issues. As a result, with a little more effort than I'm used to, I'm able to get everything done and have pretty productive days. While in the beginning I had days I felt sorry for myself or laid like a dead fish on the couch, I realized pretty quickly how awful I felt all the time and decided to focus on the good. That's not to say I don't have bad emotional days every once in a while; everyone has them--it's part of being human.
3. Exercise is magical. I never thought I'd be such a huge advocate for exercise, but it was the only way I've found to help me with the side effects of my drugs. I've gone from wanting to stay in bed half the day every day to being able to function again. The last couple of weeks I wasn't able to exercise due to travel and BYU being stupid, and my body felt like it was going to die. I started getting crankier and wanted to lay around a lot more. A few days ago, I was able to pick up exercise again and now my body is feeling much happier.
4. It doesn't matter how you exercise; it matters that you do it. Today I found myself feeling guilty for not pushing myself harder on the elliptical. But then I realized, who cares? My body is still adjusting to exercise after a couple of weeks without it, and it doesn't matter if I'm not going as fast or hard as I was at one point earlier. The important thing is that I'm there, doing it in the first place, for the amount of time I need to.
5. I don't have do everything. It's ok to say no.
In the beginning, I felt guilty for not going to social events, not doing my visiting teaching, or not getting everything done in the time frame I had allotted for myself. While I don't condone skipping out on home/visiting teaching, I realized God understood my situation and knew I was doing the best I possibly could in that moment. Now, if I don't feel like cleaning or doing laundry, it's ok. I take a break and try again tomorrow. The end of the world is not going to magically appear if I neglect something a bit longer than I intended. My mental health is not worth getting stressed out over the little things.
6. There are multiple ways to do service. Sometimes I feel like service is seen only as completing big gestures for other people--going to an all-day church sponsored service project putting together hygiene kits, making dinner for other people, taking care of someone's yard/house, receiving inspiration to take bread to a lady on the other side of town. The list goes on. While those are all wonderful ways to give service, those aren't the only ways. Again, in the whole feeling guilty realm, I've felt bad for not giving service through the aforementioned ways because they are hard for me to accomplish. But I realized one day at the temple that my service doesn't have to always be some great physical act. With my goal of going to the temple every week, I was giving service to those who couldn't do temple work for themselves (the temple is more mentally/emotionally demanding than physical). My ability to do different acts of service will vary depending on where I'm at in my life. When I have a house full of kiddos, I won't be able to go to the temple as frequently as I am now, but I will be able to do other things that fit my situation of life. I just have to find--and I mean actively look for--opportunities that fit my life in that moment and be diligent in taking advantage of those opportunities.
7. People are mean or insensitive because they don't understand what I'm experiencing. This lesson is harder for me to talk about, and I hope it isn't taken in the wrong light. I know from the outside my life looks pretty glamorous. I have two good jobs, a wonderful husband with no kids to be responsible for, and a cute apartment. Additionally, we got a new car a few months ago, we go out to eat frequently, and we go on vacation once per year.
I am very aware of my blessings.
But what some people also don't recognize are the struggles I hide. We go out to eat frequently not solely because we can, but because by the time I get home from work, the medication I'm on makes me so exhausted that I don't have the energy to make a meal. While I used to diligently clean once a week, I now clean every 2-3 weeks. I don't have a baby not because I don't want to; I physically can't.
The comments I've heard regarding these actions are hard to forgive, but I have to keep reminding myself that people don't understand the emotional toll these actions have on me. Do I feel bad we go out to eat so much or don't have kids? Yes. Do I feel ashamed? No. And I shouldn't. I can't change the circumstances of my life, I can only adjust. And this is how I've chosen to adjust. I guess I'm still learning that people will always judge but it doesn't really matter what they think. I get to choose how to live my life, whether or not they agree with those choices.
8. Even if no one else understands, Jesus Christ does.
As much as I love my husband, he will never understand exactly what I'm going through. And if he can't understand, that means people even further removed from the situation won't be able to. But there is one person who does understand. I am so grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and His love for me. I've been able to trace the different emotions I've felt to different events in His life, and I am so grateful He was willing to suffer so He could understand my pains, my struggles, my weaknesses, and my heartaches. It is because of Him I can make it through--and not only make it through, but make it through full of joy, for I know "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:3). If everything else the in world crumbles tomorrow, I know I get to be with Him, my Heavenly parents, and my earthly family for all eternity. There is no greater joy than that knowledge.
