I keep thinking of England and almost feel as though it was a dream. I ache to go back. Every day I relish the time we were able to spend there.
The adjustment period coming home was rough. I got pretty sick and slept a lot. When I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't doing anything productive. I lost motivation do anything. Looking back, I think I was depressed. I don't say that in a "Oh, you should feel bad for me" kind of way. I don't want your sympathy, pity, or even acknowledgment of that statement. I simply say it because it just goes to show that even when life is perfect (I mean, I just got my dream vacation for crying out loud), things can get you down. After exploring the globe for a couple weeks, being cooped up was rough and I didn't bounce back quickly.
With the start of school, I thought things would get better, but they didn't. The fact that I binged watched Season 3 of "Once Upon a Time" in less than 2 weeks should prove that. I blamed it on not being busy enough, but the truth is I don't really know. Sometimes we expect life to always be perfect, and when it's not, we feel like we did something wrong. Sometimes we do. And sometimes, life just happens. It is up to each of us to be happy, and I know that. But sometimes it's hard to be happy.
This is not to say that I'm not happy. Because I am. I realize how lucky and blessed I am, and I am so grateful every day for my life. Things really are getting better. But it's still a process.
This semester I am teaching 2 sections (40 students) of First-Year Writing and interning to teach Technical Writing. It's weird not to be studying any literature this semester, and I kind of miss it. I had to drop one of my classes because I realized I needed the extra time to work on my thesis, so my semester is solely teaching-centered.
Last Friday, my thesis committee finally signed off on my prospectus. Yay! Now I can move forward and actually start writing my thesis. I thought I would be at this stage a lot earlier; I finished my prospectus in August. But my committee requires a lot, which is great because then my work is not just sub-par. They push me to do better and be a better writer. This week I will meet with my Chair to discuss how I should proceed with writing the thesis. I only have about 2 1/2 months left to get the first draft out if I want to graduate in April. I know that seems like a long time, but it goes by quickly and is a daunting period to try and get 25-30 good quality pages out.
Teaching is an interesting experience as well. I love both my classes and I value everything my students say. But it also comes with its challenges. Sometimes I get frustrated or taken off guard and am little too blunt. I say things (sometimes controversial) to get them thinking deeper, and sometimes it doesn't come out super smoothly. I was never blessed with the diplomatic gene. Maybe someday I'll get it down...
Interning for Technical Writing is terrifying. I'm realizing just how much I don't know about writing in the STEM fields and I'm nervous I'm going to lead my students astray next semester by telling them something that's contradictory to what their fields expect. Luckily, most of the assignments is collaboration and group work, so I can just throw them in their groups and tell them to go at it. I've learned a lot about teaching (what I do and don't want to do) and I'm excited to apply what I've learned to next semester.
Jonathon is always super busy. He loves being a T.A. but it drains a lot of his time. Additionally, he's the ward executive secretary, so he's gone on Tuesday nights. I feel like I never get to see him, but such is life. I am proud of him and all that he does. He doesn't just do homework. He studies thoroughly while doing his homework so he can understand the concepts being taught thoroughly. It's frustrating for me sometimes because I don't get as much time with him, but I also think it's a very admirable quality. Most people don't care about their education and learning the way he does, and I think it's great.
So, a couple weeks ago we had the opportunity to attend Jonathon's uncle's wedding. It was an interesting experience, to say the least, but the thing that stuck most with me was the words spoken during the ceremony. Jonathon's uncle did not get married in the temple, but he was married by a Mormon bishop. The bishop kept talking about how the couple was making a covenant to each other. It was true in a sense, but it just felt so out of place. They weren't truly making covenant--not in the sense that we think of and teach it. Yes, it is true that we do make some personal covenants with God that don't have ordinances associated with them. Like I covenant with God to pay tithing, fast, read my scriptures, etc. But it just felt so odd and out of place to talk about making a marriage covenant when the sealing ordinance wasn't there behind it to back it up and support it. I was reminded of my wedding day, and I was so grateful that I had covenanted to be true and faithful to my husband for eternity, not just until death do us part. Even though Jonathon annoys the heck out me sometimes (haha) I am so grateful for the binding promises we made to each other. We are so young, and so naïve when it comes to marriage, but I can't imagine going through life without the expectation of eternity together. I love the blessings of the temple so much and I am so grateful I have a spouse to share in them with.
So yes, even though life has been hard these past couple of months, I've also realized how blessed I am through the sacred nature of my marriage. My husband is my rock, and I can't imagine life beyond the grave without him. Life is always an adventure.
